These Hours
I'm not counting days. I'm counting hours. In these hours assessment of all that is, is being made. In between the assessment analyzing is done. And in between that scoping and observing and agonizing over what could be instead of accepting what is.
Years ago I had an opening in my heart. I think the scar tissue of hardening covered it up and since that moment that small place the size of a needle tip ceased to be and in its stead callousness came into being. That moment in time when there was an opening was holy and it allowed some compassion and a new ray to enter through that willed open place. I have forgotten what it is like to be child like and open. I have forgotten what it is like to trust. I have forgotten what it is like to have a parent who loves me. I have forgotten what it is like to be loved at all.
So used to pain and suffering. So used to the harshness of the elements. So used to be used as a punching bag and soccer ball for the amusement and sadism of others. So used to being victim, sick woman, crazy person, isolator, in need, of - everything. So sick and tired. And ready to kick it all in the face.
Hashem wants me to stay here in the south - till further notice. This is what I have to do. Nothing else has panned out. No bridges over the oceans to welcome me. Nothing is happening except the same with an increase in the pain department. I don't have a camera. I need a camera. I will put out the SOS - I need a camera to document this as it is happening. There is a reality that the world needs to become attuned to. And it's not happening because of - who knows and whatever. It is what it is. My equipment that I brought with me has all died. Those that promised me equipment disappeared, slinking away in the darkness. I don't know why. Is this karma? Did I promise anyone something and not keep that promise? And now it's rearing it's ugly head 10 fold?
I'm sorry. I apologize. I apologize for everything. For every negative vibe I gave. For every word said in haste and for every sentiment expressed that wasn't loving.
This is it. Judgment Day. Time is upon us all. Feel it. Breathe it. Become it. Accept it. There is zero choice in experiencing it. It covers everything and everyone and no one is immune.
I am my namesake Job. And this is Elul.
Years ago I had an opening in my heart. I think the scar tissue of hardening covered it up and since that moment that small place the size of a needle tip ceased to be and in its stead callousness came into being. That moment in time when there was an opening was holy and it allowed some compassion and a new ray to enter through that willed open place. I have forgotten what it is like to be child like and open. I have forgotten what it is like to trust. I have forgotten what it is like to have a parent who loves me. I have forgotten what it is like to be loved at all.
So used to pain and suffering. So used to the harshness of the elements. So used to be used as a punching bag and soccer ball for the amusement and sadism of others. So used to being victim, sick woman, crazy person, isolator, in need, of - everything. So sick and tired. And ready to kick it all in the face.
Hashem wants me to stay here in the south - till further notice. This is what I have to do. Nothing else has panned out. No bridges over the oceans to welcome me. Nothing is happening except the same with an increase in the pain department. I don't have a camera. I need a camera. I will put out the SOS - I need a camera to document this as it is happening. There is a reality that the world needs to become attuned to. And it's not happening because of - who knows and whatever. It is what it is. My equipment that I brought with me has all died. Those that promised me equipment disappeared, slinking away in the darkness. I don't know why. Is this karma? Did I promise anyone something and not keep that promise? And now it's rearing it's ugly head 10 fold?
I'm sorry. I apologize. I apologize for everything. For every negative vibe I gave. For every word said in haste and for every sentiment expressed that wasn't loving.
This is it. Judgment Day. Time is upon us all. Feel it. Breathe it. Become it. Accept it. There is zero choice in experiencing it. It covers everything and everyone and no one is immune.
I am my namesake Job. And this is Elul.
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