Running Up Mountains

I ventured outside this morning, to be one with the green, grey and opened skies, necessitating climbing hills, up a mountain, down and then through a clearing to retrieve a baker's rack that I had hidden behind some bushes a few days before. I had to plan how to get it without dying in the process. I have a wagon that I repurposed a while back to make things easier for me in the garden, this was now to be my aide in bringing the rack back over the mountain and through the hills, pushing lightly because the wheels are that good and bouncy and if needed I would rest along the way.

Retrieve, I did, tied it to the wagon, started the ascension and all was ok for the first 5 minutes, then my heart started fluttering so I sat down to rest. It was sheer and I mean sheer divine providence that I had my Rescue Remedy in the pocket of my jacket. Usually it's in my handbag at all time. I never leave the house without it because it can help in case of a SVT. So I took a few drops. Rested, got up and continued the ascent, and then felt my heart drop a little bit and do a somersault that it never did before. But I persevered. My credo is that I will not die a captured and wounded animal, but will drop wherever I am under the open skies. I made it, went into the house and took my blood pressure and it was all over the place 140/135, heart rate was in the 100's for hours and wouldn't come down. Went to the clinic where I thought I would pass out. I am due to do an echo stress test in a few weeks, how I will manage to get through this time I do not know. But I cannot continue to live like a poverty-stricken refugee any more. The baker's rack was something I had seen thrown away and had wanted one for so long. It would give me a sense of normalcy, even though my life as I am living it now from test to test is anything but.

I am a homebody, I want a beautiful home. I want to have nice things. To live in simplicity but abundance. I want to own my own home and have people come and enjoy what I have to share.

In the meantime I have downed a sedative, potassium and magnesium because the electrolyte situation is iffy at times. This due to hyperparathyroidism which is now a situation to be dealt with on a surgical level. Will I manage to survive surgery, I don't know.

Under any other circumstances it was a beautiful morning, cold enough with Hashem breathing me. Tomorrow is my Hebrew birthday. I bless myself to be strong and healthy, living in a good place in my own home, with a loving other, using the baker's rack to create healing foods.  I just need to get through this time period of uncertainty, find support, get clear and find more inner strength to persevere and strive towards the ultimate goal of being ok.

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