Nothing New Under the Sun
I am not sleeping, have not been sleeping well for years. Who really does know how long this hyperparathyroidism that I've managed to collect into me has been a resident. All I know is that for the past several years sleep has been elusive. I close my eyes, fall into slumber then awake throughout the night. My dreams elude as well. Now my face is unrecognizable. Black rings under eyes, face and tongue swollen and it is into this world I am born anew every day. For this I say: Modah Ani, because there is a plan. I know and it's only the channel of this lifetime that I need to change.
Rememberances of sitting with my mother at a mental health clinic where she had regressed into a child-like state. Her age or mine I do not recall. There were so many instances where I, as human was not a cause or being to her and from that I grew consciousness about self and belonging. This theme has replayed itself so many times, it cannot be counted. I should be grateful. I should be. I would be. Though the positive emotions seem to have missed me somehow and in their stead dread has descended. But then there too I catch myself from falling too deep into the chasm and say, yes, but this is only the Yetzer, the evil inclination that wants me to perish. I used to be very resilient. Bouncing back and up and forward. No longer. I am unraveling. My body, mind and soul all going to pieces. All these years of suffering condenses to a dismemberment of the being called me.
It is this world that I never fit into. Not it into me. A feeling of being out of place, time and momentum, where nothing has touched and nothing permeated. Drifting, experiencing, internalizing, figuring out the situation and putting a foot in front of the other with feline allies and the occassional tree or bird to give me some sense of being seen and known. My life basically has been a countdown to death. I have no allies of the human form, and my beingness cannot fit. Why cast me down to a place that doesn't fit, God? What is that purpose?
Nothing new under the sun, so apparently this has been done before. I just can''t find my predecessors.
Rememberances of sitting with my mother at a mental health clinic where she had regressed into a child-like state. Her age or mine I do not recall. There were so many instances where I, as human was not a cause or being to her and from that I grew consciousness about self and belonging. This theme has replayed itself so many times, it cannot be counted. I should be grateful. I should be. I would be. Though the positive emotions seem to have missed me somehow and in their stead dread has descended. But then there too I catch myself from falling too deep into the chasm and say, yes, but this is only the Yetzer, the evil inclination that wants me to perish. I used to be very resilient. Bouncing back and up and forward. No longer. I am unraveling. My body, mind and soul all going to pieces. All these years of suffering condenses to a dismemberment of the being called me.
It is this world that I never fit into. Not it into me. A feeling of being out of place, time and momentum, where nothing has touched and nothing permeated. Drifting, experiencing, internalizing, figuring out the situation and putting a foot in front of the other with feline allies and the occassional tree or bird to give me some sense of being seen and known. My life basically has been a countdown to death. I have no allies of the human form, and my beingness cannot fit. Why cast me down to a place that doesn't fit, God? What is that purpose?
Nothing new under the sun, so apparently this has been done before. I just can''t find my predecessors.
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