Many pathways, some leading to light, many to darkness, the emergence of self from the inflicted afflictions to the Infinite Light. My journey from living to death.
A Rainbow in Reverse
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Seen in England.
What is the spiritual meaning of a rainbow? http://www.asknoah.org/html/rainbow_covenant.html
Didn't sleep last night. A total haul to make myself available to Jerusalem and git there. Physically. Just make the bus that involves walking distances, getting to another city and then waiting for the bus. Had my schedule. Started out at 4:00 am. Just to be sure. Then went into automatic. Dressed in paint spattered clothes (on the inside - but still I knew), found other odds and ends to don myself with. Wrapped my head in a scarf and mandatory sunglasses and hit the road at 7 something. Arrived at the next destination - waited another 10 minutes - bus came and we hit the road. I can't BEGIN to tell you - how utterly blown away I felt at FINALLY LEAVING this place and heading UP. It's been a LONG, dragged out, bloody, dusty, fiery, angst-ridden, pathetic time here and leaving it after a year and not seeing Jerusalem for almost 2 - well I was riveted to the window taking it all in, praying that the green trees, my pines, my blessed pines would remain with me as memory. The...
I managed to drive myself into a full-blown panic attack. Mati is not eating, I went out to some neighbors to find an IV set, nobody had one, had one that was used at home, went back, Mati was outside, she entered not before I tried to give her something to eat, she took one bite and started to meow. I went into panic, administered her IV subq, she went outside again. In between preparations for Shabbat, everything from clothes, to salad, to cholent, to making her a slurry, to preparing colloidal silver to actually sewing together 3 blankets I managed to score at a thrift shop so that when people come over to sit on my sofa that I made, that it would be more comfortable. I sewed them together then folded everything and sewed it into half so the cushioning would be more. Now my heart is beating so fast. I tried everything from minerals to wine to weed, to breathing to not thinking now will pray. Shabbat Shalom of healing
There was no sound coming from the outside. A dull yellow pale afternoon hanging heavy, the only distraction, the sweet grass smell freshly chopped. And who could tell it was afternoon in the endless ocher but for the puffed out sun in a silver shadow floating somewhere between the heavens marking 2-ish. There was the silence the still moments between the frenzy, between the chaotic jolts and the feverish interactions that comprised the life we shared, my 2 female feline allies and I. The rest mattered little in those spaces of time, all that was, was lifting self out in a dissociative effort and waiting to return when the coast was clear – but it was never a full return. Some parts were left either submerged or in endless and perpetual hiding. Maybe with the sun – somewhere in between the layers that heaven was made of. Still they stayed afloat – those removed pieces of self and soul – for the safekeeping of the angels. They were perpetually young and undamaged, but like amputated ...
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