I tried - real hard
All my life I've been swimming upstream, going against the grain, against consensus and the norm. They used to call that being a non-conformist. Now it's probably a defiant disorder. I just don't mesh, or meld or flow with what's going on here. No way. No how. I'm the perpetual outsider looking in, observing from the sidelines or hiding from too much onslaught of just about everything in waves of heat and messiness. I could probably look away and forgive - and I'm working on that. Don't want this place to become a sounding board for my grievences against the people or the country. I'm so steering clear of that. There were things done - and things said - and my questions have all been left unanswered and my attachment to the land has been severed and there is no passion left. No desire to change *things*. I believe still in providence and hashgacha pratit - if I was meant to stay here I would know it. I would feel it. I don't. I am looking for the trees and rivers I had upstate - here. I can't play this game. This charade of false and fake and as if.
Been searching for a place to call Home since coming here 5 years ago. Been moving from place to place without belonging. In each place, a weird refugee. Like a strange fruit that fell from the sky. I feel like - an alien. It's not them, it's me. I say hello to butterflies and puppies and feel like a kindred soul to a cypress tree while steering clear of the humans. I hide and avoid. Avoid and hide. Then turn invisible whenever possible. And it doesn't work because I am a magnet for all things insane and it just gets sucked into my sphere like a spiritual vacuum cleaner. So I just learned to turn it all off. Now I'm transparent. Nothing sticks and I don't give a flying f anymore.
And no rabbi can solve this. And nobody has any answers. Now I have to figure on how to get back. Which route to take. And to where.
I need to be where I feel like it's Home. Belonging. A sense of all things are right in the world. I had that in the Catskills. The reason I left was due to spirituality issues - there was no yiddishkeit - then a month after I left - a Chabad family moved into town. Irony. What will change? My expectations. Also will be going to a place where there is an orthodox shul. So that's going to be part of the equation. No buddha-Jews who drive to shul on Shabbat. And if that won't be a reality - I will just have to focus on starting my own community. And putting down those seeds starts now.
Been searching for a place to call Home since coming here 5 years ago. Been moving from place to place without belonging. In each place, a weird refugee. Like a strange fruit that fell from the sky. I feel like - an alien. It's not them, it's me. I say hello to butterflies and puppies and feel like a kindred soul to a cypress tree while steering clear of the humans. I hide and avoid. Avoid and hide. Then turn invisible whenever possible. And it doesn't work because I am a magnet for all things insane and it just gets sucked into my sphere like a spiritual vacuum cleaner. So I just learned to turn it all off. Now I'm transparent. Nothing sticks and I don't give a flying f anymore.
And no rabbi can solve this. And nobody has any answers. Now I have to figure on how to get back. Which route to take. And to where.
I need to be where I feel like it's Home. Belonging. A sense of all things are right in the world. I had that in the Catskills. The reason I left was due to spirituality issues - there was no yiddishkeit - then a month after I left - a Chabad family moved into town. Irony. What will change? My expectations. Also will be going to a place where there is an orthodox shul. So that's going to be part of the equation. No buddha-Jews who drive to shul on Shabbat. And if that won't be a reality - I will just have to focus on starting my own community. And putting down those seeds starts now.
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