Out of Body, Out of Mind

I don’t think much about my situation - because if I dwell on it I will just get increasingly depressed. There is a lot to dwell on – from my health to my cats to the apartment to income to having evil eye spells cast on me to moving back to America to staying and the reasons why. And on into the bigger picture.

So I totally numb out for hours and hours lying in bed going from one website to the next and deciphering and analyzing people, situations and outcomes. My university of psychology and assessment. It's intensely stifling hot in this place and this is compounded physically by the fact that walking now is impeded with my spinal issues and now it appears that the foot I broke last year hasn't healed properly and I will have to either be broken again and set propely or else something else like weights to get it to settle in.

When it was broken last year I had to move around – fending for myself when the rocks and the dynamite was being thrown at me and just to go to the bathroom and do the dishes. Then running after my cat who was hit by a car, who ran off into the bushes behind the house – and me in my frantic mode going after her because her wounds were still stitched up or other open gaping to infection.

So I hobbled around and didn’t go back to the hospital that originally treated me because the local doctor refused to give me a release form for them telling me that there was a local clinic I could go to for the x-ray and there was an orthopedic once a week who I could see.

The times were and are just too intense. I lie here in an oven baking between walls of asbestos – all of my cats now are sick as well – and I feel like my soul is departing – just rising out from under my skin. I can’t find another apartment in this price range – I’m extremely exhausted from the 7 moves I’ve already done.

I’m shell shocked from the 2 wars I’ve been through here on both fronts in 2.5 years, I’m also extremely hypervigilent to noise, needing to find immediate relief – in earlier days that would mean very loud music to drown it out – now I just drink wine or take a sedative. I can’t go outside in the front because local men sit on their porches directly in front of where I live and watch my every move – fishbowl style. I can’t sit in the back after the sun goes down because of the hoardes of mosquitos. Sitting there during the day is impossible because it’s so hot. I am clearly in a very low state.

All of what I’ve endured here since coming to Israel, with0ut inner structure or a sense of direction has worn me down where my energy level is zero. I don’t know where to turn – though it is clear that only G-d will help though I don’t know how to pray anymore. The words are said, repeated – I can’t connect to their meaning and I see that nothing is changing – there is small hope left – how can this be and why – the answers are left unrelayed to me. At least I could fix what I needed to if I was told. Instead I am shown that one by one, everything is being taken from me. Like Job – over and over.

So I just stopped doing. Being. I merely exist now for the sake of keeping the organism breathing and caring for my cats in the best way I can. I don’t know what else or how else I could do it any differently given the circumstances – which as much as I’d like to think otherwise – are beyond my control.

I do not know where to go from here , or what direction to take. What kind of life I can even have in a country where I am constantly swimming upstream against the current, alone without a paddle. I want to go to a cooler area but affordable housing is non existent in Jerusalem – or even the peripheries. I speak to no one except the taxi drivers who shuffle me back and forth from shopping. All my income is spent on food, rent, electricity, water, taxis and vets.

A dream I dreamt last night. I had a newborn baby, instead of taking care of it, she got burned all over her body as I changed her clothes – I’d put a shirt on her and somehow the shirt caught fire burning the baby and I couldn’t put out the flames until there were severe burns. She also went without food – only drinking tap water through a straw.

Clearly severely abused though it seemed that either I was oblivious or simply in a state that I am now – out of body – where nothing touches or impedes – not even the well being of one’s newborn. I kept thinking in the back of my mind that this is not the way it should be – I have to do more, care for it much better – and I couldn’t get myself together enough to do that.