I Really Did Stop Trying
There was a moment in the checkout aisle that I stopped. I just stopped - it all - pleasing, wanting to fit, trying to appease. The whole nine yards. And it's not like I am starting from ground zero in a fit of codependency either. This is years and years of preparation of refusal to cave to the consensus. My spine, the nemesis, dictator of all movement and travel chimed in with its all-knowing stance of
*how much more of this utter BS will you endure, for heaven's sake*?
And the drugged slow movements of the consensus players just drove it home for me - and that is - enough.
Every single time that I venture out to do whatever it is I must do - in this case pay my rent and then round it up with some food for the Sabbath - there is a crisis.
I am picking up energy all around me and no doubt putting it out - and I am dressed like the eccentric that I am in the midst of *Plastic La La Land of the Oppressed*
everyone with either peroxide blonde tit showmanship or empty porn addled brain waves or else not there at all but in some other atmospheric blend connected to the cell of the phone lodged in their ear -
and here I am Ms.Kabbalah Organic with mismatched ancient clothing coming on through aching spine cannot stand up must go, go, go
and the slowness - the utter slog - the unevenness - the artificiality - I've named it so many times before and this is where it's been chosen that I live these days out - and I'm so bloody suffering with it all.
I do not resonate with any of this.
I am here because I heeded a calling.
The calling is transmuted into suffering.
I do not even know where to place myself
except for bed where I can find comfort
for my self, mind and spine.
So sick of this. And then the negativity comes
crashing down in the guise of *who do you think you are*
and then I cower and understand that it is spirit showing
me that ego still exists and that this is all rectification.
And the ONLY place on earth that I can or could ever find
solace is under a tree - and so it is to that that I drag
myself - not believing in man or woman or their machinations
but only that which has no ego - no freewill - and which
only exists for the sake of existence.
And to that I crawl. No judgments. No upheavals. Just innocence.
Rest in Peace Michael. With the burnings, the piercings, the accusations, the slander and the mockings. Rest in Peace all souls who tried and couldn't get through because of the pain. May G-d protect us all.
*how much more of this utter BS will you endure, for heaven's sake*?
And the drugged slow movements of the consensus players just drove it home for me - and that is - enough.
Every single time that I venture out to do whatever it is I must do - in this case pay my rent and then round it up with some food for the Sabbath - there is a crisis.
I am picking up energy all around me and no doubt putting it out - and I am dressed like the eccentric that I am in the midst of *Plastic La La Land of the Oppressed*
everyone with either peroxide blonde tit showmanship or empty porn addled brain waves or else not there at all but in some other atmospheric blend connected to the cell of the phone lodged in their ear -
and here I am Ms.Kabbalah Organic with mismatched ancient clothing coming on through aching spine cannot stand up must go, go, go
and the slowness - the utter slog - the unevenness - the artificiality - I've named it so many times before and this is where it's been chosen that I live these days out - and I'm so bloody suffering with it all.
I do not resonate with any of this.
I am here because I heeded a calling.
The calling is transmuted into suffering.
I do not even know where to place myself
except for bed where I can find comfort
for my self, mind and spine.
So sick of this. And then the negativity comes
crashing down in the guise of *who do you think you are*
and then I cower and understand that it is spirit showing
me that ego still exists and that this is all rectification.
And the ONLY place on earth that I can or could ever find
solace is under a tree - and so it is to that that I drag
myself - not believing in man or woman or their machinations
but only that which has no ego - no freewill - and which
only exists for the sake of existence.
And to that I crawl. No judgments. No upheavals. Just innocence.
Rest in Peace Michael. With the burnings, the piercings, the accusations, the slander and the mockings. Rest in Peace all souls who tried and couldn't get through because of the pain. May G-d protect us all.
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