Many pathways, some leading to light, many to darkness, the emergence of self from the inflicted afflictions to the Infinite Light. My journey from living to death.
Mother and Child
Get link
Facebook
X
Pinterest
Email
Other Apps
Held. Backyard of house on Long Island. Merrick Road. This is a time of crazy making. First she loves me. Then she hates me. There is no where to turn. Except inwards. So, I do.
Didn't sleep last night. A total haul to make myself available to Jerusalem and git there. Physically. Just make the bus that involves walking distances, getting to another city and then waiting for the bus. Had my schedule. Started out at 4:00 am. Just to be sure. Then went into automatic. Dressed in paint spattered clothes (on the inside - but still I knew), found other odds and ends to don myself with. Wrapped my head in a scarf and mandatory sunglasses and hit the road at 7 something. Arrived at the next destination - waited another 10 minutes - bus came and we hit the road. I can't BEGIN to tell you - how utterly blown away I felt at FINALLY LEAVING this place and heading UP. It's been a LONG, dragged out, bloody, dusty, fiery, angst-ridden, pathetic time here and leaving it after a year and not seeing Jerusalem for almost 2 - well I was riveted to the window taking it all in, praying that the green trees, my pines, my blessed pines would remain with me as memory. The...
It seems this is a constant. My beloved Mati, who has been with me and I with her for the last 15 years is sick. I don't know what is going on, it basically started with a new brand of food. Vomit ensued and then being spaced out, behavior changes and now she is outside again after being outdoors for most of the day. I don't know where she is or what she is doing. The last time she had bloodwork done was last year, indicators of thyroid and kidney issues. It was wait and watch, which I have been doing in between my own health challenges. She simply does not look well and to take her to a vet - among the vets that I know - who will do what they know so well, to take blood and stress her out, that's not even talking about how to get there - bus or hitchhiking, worst nightmare. Is she eating grass to alleviate her nausea now? Is she going to hide under a tree to find solace? I tried to give her something to eat, she took a bite, pale and frail that she is and just refused the ...
If I die. No one will mourn. I think only my angels would miss me. My imprint on this world being such a clumsy one. This is never a good place for me to be. Being totally overwhelmed by life and what I need to deal with. I'm just over my head and am losing control over everything. I can't make it. I don't know where else to turn at this point. For the sake of my cats I'm just hanging on barely. I need someone to talk to. I can't do this anymore. I don't even know what to do next. My life force is slipping away. It's ok - this world and me. Never really did get along. It will be a relief. To leave.
Comments