I am loved. I think.

My mother loves me.
I know she does.
She expresses it in her own
special way.
Like how she screams
I love you
through the facade of her
shattered lens of perceiving
Like the way she calls ambulances
to come and take me away
because she loves me and worries
so much that I'm in pain.
I used to be jealous of how she
loved my sister
and how she once called the police
to taker her away
because of her high fever
Now I know we're on even
scales she and I - loved equally.
I know my mother loves me
for all the times she cursed me
and gave me the silent treatment
in between her ragings
she loved me through her food
and riddled nurturings when
I lied dying of whichever ailment
it was at the time
blood poisoning
boils
broken back
anorexia
or just plain wanting to die.
She showed up with lemons
and tea and if we were rich that
month some honey.
I love my mother
like a rock
like a martyr
like a soldier
like a renegade
bittersweet and deadly
belladonna style
dare to venture
and prepared to die
if I ever get too close
to the fire of her love.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Yeru-Shalayim

Didn't sleep last night. A total haul to make myself available to Jerusalem and git there. Physically. Just make the bus that involves walking distances, getting to another city and then waiting for the bus. Had my schedule. Started out at 4:00 am. Just to be sure. Then went into automatic. Dressed in paint spattered clothes (on the inside - but still I knew), found other odds and ends to don myself with. Wrapped my head in a scarf and mandatory sunglasses and hit the road at 7 something. Arrived at the next destination - waited another 10 minutes - bus came and we hit the road. I can't BEGIN to tell you - how utterly blown away I felt at FINALLY LEAVING this place and heading UP. It's been a LONG, dragged out, bloody, dusty, fiery, angst-ridden, pathetic time here and leaving it after a year and not seeing Jerusalem for almost 2 - well I was riveted to the window taking it all in, praying that the green trees, my pines, my blessed pines would remain with me as memory. The...
Read more

Heart Palpitations - Severe Panic Attack

I managed to drive myself into a full-blown panic attack. Mati is not eating, I went out to some neighbors to find an IV set, nobody had one, had one that was used at home, went back, Mati was outside, she entered not before I tried to give her something to eat, she took one bite and started to meow. I went into panic, administered her IV subq, she went outside again. In between preparations for Shabbat, everything from clothes, to salad, to cholent, to making her a slurry, to preparing colloidal silver to actually sewing together 3 blankets I managed to score at a thrift shop so that when people come over to sit on my sofa that I made, that it would be more comfortable. I sewed them together then folded everything and sewed it into half so the cushioning would be more. Now my heart is beating so fast. I tried everything from minerals to wine to weed, to breathing to not thinking now will pray. Shabbat Shalom of healing
Read more

Evil Eye Jewish Voodoo

Image
I've been living in a place that puts the evil eye on people then hires other people to take the curse off. Case in mind - I now live in a house of the official curse remover of the region who passed on from this world about 15 years ago. Dahab Megidish. That was his name. Renowned all over for his abilities in removing evil eyes, curses and anything of the darkness that would stick to a person and render them incapacitated. Since moving in - my cat was mauled, I've been beseiged with all kinds of illnesses, I broke my foot, I fell prey to all sorts of misfortunes and just a few minutes ago lost consciousness, hit my head on the wall, bleeding and feeling sick. Not going to the hospital - so please don't harp on this. At least till some other symptom arises aside from the bleeding, pain and general feeling sick. Do energies get stuck in the walls of a place? Yep. Do I feel that the energies are stuck in this place? Yep. Do I feel that the energies are all around this place?...
Read more