Running

Running away
from age 3
when the door was open
and there was no one to watch me go
into the yard and parking lot i flew
into a store reaching for the candy bars
and making myself at home.
i was captured and put back in my place

I ran again on bike through the streets
of brooklyn to get away further
from the chaos and insanity
i rode the metal horse instinctively
putting distance between myself
and a screaming banshee who wanted
my soul on a platter and an eye for an eye


I ran again at 12 then 13 from home
school, placements, people
from cities to deserts from deserts
to mountains from mountains to oceans
from oceans to continents from country
to other nether worlds from myself
from God and everything i ever knew to be
a slash to my psyche


I ran from men from women
I ran from apartment to apartment
I ran in the night
I ran in the day
I ran in the heat
I ran in the freezing cold rain, snow
Sometimes I ran and rode.
I run daily in my mind
Keeping from thinking too much
I run from experiencing the pain
I run from hearing the noise
I run from my senses
to the safety of nothingness
nothing to hold me down
no one to curse me
no one to slam me
nothing to tether me
nothing to sway me
refuge when the fires are burning
and there's no where left
to run.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Heart Palpitations - Severe Panic Attack

I managed to drive myself into a full-blown panic attack. Mati is not eating, I went out to some neighbors to find an IV set, nobody had one, had one that was used at home, went back, Mati was outside, she entered not before I tried to give her something to eat, she took one bite and started to meow. I went into panic, administered her IV subq, she went outside again. In between preparations for Shabbat, everything from clothes, to salad, to cholent, to making her a slurry, to preparing colloidal silver to actually sewing together 3 blankets I managed to score at a thrift shop so that when people come over to sit on my sofa that I made, that it would be more comfortable. I sewed them together then folded everything and sewed it into half so the cushioning would be more. Now my heart is beating so fast. I tried everything from minerals to wine to weed, to breathing to not thinking now will pray. Shabbat Shalom of healing
Read more

Heartbreak, Panic and Foreboding

It seems this is a constant. My beloved Mati, who has been with me and I with her for the last 15 years is sick. I don't know what is going on, it basically started with a new brand of food. Vomit ensued and then being spaced out, behavior changes and now she is outside again after being outdoors for most of the day. I don't know where she is or what she is doing. The last time she had bloodwork done was last year, indicators of thyroid and kidney issues. It was wait and watch, which I have been doing in between my own health challenges. She simply does not look well and to take her to a vet - among the vets that I know - who will do what they know so well, to take blood and stress her out, that's not even talking about how to get there - bus or hitchhiking, worst nightmare. Is she eating grass to alleviate her nausea now? Is she going to hide under a tree to find solace? I tried to give her something to eat, she took a bite, pale and frail that she is and just refused the
Read more

Yeru-Shalayim

Didn't sleep last night. A total haul to make myself available to Jerusalem and git there. Physically. Just make the bus that involves walking distances, getting to another city and then waiting for the bus. Had my schedule. Started out at 4:00 am. Just to be sure. Then went into automatic. Dressed in paint spattered clothes (on the inside - but still I knew), found other odds and ends to don myself with. Wrapped my head in a scarf and mandatory sunglasses and hit the road at 7 something. Arrived at the next destination - waited another 10 minutes - bus came and we hit the road. I can't BEGIN to tell you - how utterly blown away I felt at FINALLY LEAVING this place and heading UP. It's been a LONG, dragged out, bloody, dusty, fiery, angst-ridden, pathetic time here and leaving it after a year and not seeing Jerusalem for almost 2 - well I was riveted to the window taking it all in, praying that the green trees, my pines, my blessed pines would remain with me as memory. The
Read more