The Path to a Healing Heart

It will be hard. Getting there. Showing up. I am the pariah the scapegoat and the energy turned inside out The push or annihilation The final push to the finish line or I will be finished. I can't bear another year of this existence. I've clung too long to this raft set on foreign shores forcing myself into thinking that this is just a dream and it will soon be over and the shore the elusive shore will finally emerge from the fog. My arms are too weary now. My nails are chipped and my body heavy with fatigue there is no shore there is only water rapidly rising to take me along to the depths wanting to claim me and the pull is great great great All I have to do is let go and sink - let the water fill me to become one and find home at final last.

One month and counting without sleep. My cat who is in pain wakes me up before dawn after I've had only 2 hours sleep. I give her some painkiller, or food and I try to get back to sleep but can't. This is a very hard place to be in. I am exhausted all the time. The strain of not finding a place, the holidays, the sense of total alienation and guilt combined for not being a better - whatever And my cat - who I can't help - that is the worst. I am simply at a stalemate on where to do what to do - how to do it and how to afford it this after spending thousands of shekels I was supposed to use for moving for my cats at vets. They all got sick - I kept shlepping them in taxis back and forth to this clinic where they essentially did nothing but the same routine standard blood tests without ever diagnosing the issues at hand properly. I had to then go back like a dummy, log on and find the actual remedies that were needed and the proper treatment - and then spend more money for th...

My father died on this day - 27 Elul. He was a smart man, a man who loved to delve into different angles and the mystery of things. He built his first ham radio at a young age and was a ham aficionado for the remainder of his life. Valedictorian of his class, he graduated from High School at 16 and entered podiatry school. Then a stint in the army during WW2 where he treated foot wounds. His passions in life lied with the stars, telescopes, cameras and photography. He loved to travel and see the world. He would spend hours in his dark room developing photos he'd taken on sojourns into Manhattan and beyond. Always looking for the perfect shot. He was funny, interesting and had a good measure of charisma. He was the only son of 4 daughters, born to Molly and Abraham Kauflauwitz. He wanted to live the good life and managed to buy a home on Long Island for my mother and their 3 children. He had a practice on the basement floor. I never saw much of him and that was a very strange feelin...

I need dishes. I have but one plate that is used in rotation. I have no gas and will use a hot plate in rotation. I have some vegetables. Maybe will pick some pomegranates. I have some tempeh and tofu. Will make a stir fry. But do not have oil. That will be hard. I have not done shopping. I will make a movie on this and post. Let the video speak for itself. And be happy. Yes. And reach for all the blessings on the day of Judgment.

The small voice just got smaller. So I asked this person a question, hoping to get something beyond the pat. And this is how it went: *I'd like to posit a question for the writer of this article - and hope to receive an answer before Rosh Hashana - and that is - what role does she think/believe the klal to play in the Teshuva processes of those tinokot shenishbu - i.e. the ones that fell through the cracks, that need extra support. Where does the notion of Kol Yisrael Arievim Zeh Le-Zeh play out and figure into the equation of Teshuvah. Is in fact, Teshuvah a solely personal and solitary endeavor? And what if that person embarking on such an endeavor find themselves incapacitated, blinded, deafened or rendered imobile for whatever reason, being orphaned, widowed or sunken into poverty - what role and how much of a percentage does the role of the klal play - if at all - in the process of teshuvah of that individual? Also it would be helpful to know why this concept isn't spoken ...

Never experienced joy on a holiday. It is a riddle. Like many things never experienced. Climbing Mt.Fuji for example. My grandmother did cook and bake and surely she was a genius in the kitchen may Hashem bless her soul for eternity. But there it ended. For the food was mixed up with the negativity of emotions that pervaded the household of the angry ones, the misplaced and the silently brooding. Synagogue was an opportunity to be *on* and be what we never were and I dreaded, no - hated it. Screaming matches would begin but it was rare that I yielded. Pitch forks and hot coals. I would stay home alone during those days trying to re-piece fragments. The Holy Days - of avoidance, non-participatory pastimes where the Jewish people, God and I were on opposite sides. Us and Them. And Them were never at war with each other holding knives and cramming heads into ovens. Simpler people with uncomplicated lives. And God was furious at me as I was told because of the suffering I caused my mother....

Such an important lesson right there. When the absolute atomic bomb comes crashing down and shooting out nuclear fallout and debris where AM I holding? Who do I trust? What IS my first reaction? PANIC. That's where I hold. Just plain old panic. The same conditioning that is prevalent first row core disposition that's running the show. Well, I lose something - go into panic. It's usually around that. Symptomatic of losing trust, losing security, comfort - the first barrier that protects. Root chakra. Evident in my broken back and broken relationships that are pathetic attempts to rise above in spite of having no solid foundation. Only guesswork. ARGH. So tests come. Big time. Hello tests, how are you today? Did you enjoy the little performance of angst and thoughts of annihilation that went on just before? Did you? Did you? Regardless. It's Amalek. And the instances that come between the panic and understanding are getting shorter - indication of movement towards wholene...

God hears all prayers. Sooner or later the answer will come. Do not ever give up. Or think that He can't hear. He does. Always. Without fail. And the answer will always be what is most perfect for your greater growth. All prayers are heard so pray and direct them to Him who hears all prayers.

I was the invisible child. Never mattered unless I reflected back to them for them something of worth they could add to themselves. Of myself for myself I didn't matter. I was as in the words uttered to me *You were a mistake*. So live with that notion for years and try to decipher truths from lying lips and untwist the twisted and make sense of the chaos and unreality and knowing all the while that the farce is in full swing even though you're only 3 years old - you know and are told insidiously to play along or warrant annihilation - so you do but fighting it and them and their lies and their stupidity - all the way. A scene from a day in the life of an invisible child and the players who share/d the same blood - nefesh as I and their distance and indifference - just one scene of the thousands till I upped one day as all did except birth mother - and left the scene of the crime. Who we see here - mother, sister, brother, dog Ginger, myself in the distance with a neighbor. Tow...

I feel that many would rejoice when I die That many would give a high 5 upon learning that I have kicked the bucket. Yes, celebrations throughout all connecting pathways there will be a holiday on that day that will come. Cheering and knocking glasses and feasting and dancing. On the day I will die, there will be those that will smile.

It's been 2 months without cooking gas. I simply cannot afford it. I cut back on food, I stopped buying bottled water. Stopped buying even the simplest of things that are not essential. I am stopping my phone because I can't afford that either and will work with a cell phone on a card. My upcoming holidays will be spent lying in bed contemplating how I will get from point a to point z without falling over. I have pain now almost all hours of the day. At night my knee starts with excruciating burning pain from a knotted vein, then I can't fall back asleep. Then the itching from the pesticides in the foods starts erupting. Then the gas and intestinal pains from whatever food I managed to wrangle starts upchucking. My cat who is in pain cannot be seen by a vet because there's no money for that either. And I think I must stop complaining and suck it up. Because it's not the holocaust and it's not Darfur. I can still get a drink of water before that's taken from ...

My rabbi used to say Sha BAT - with emphasis on the BAT like baseball BAT. The Syrian way. He taught me much - then we kind of fell apart when I told him I was taking my cats to Israel. I don't know - so much turmoil with relationships. This one wants to punish, that one wants to judge, this one wants to remain aloof, that one holds grudges. And me - I'm reeling like a turnstile; oh! you want to go this way? Let's go! I can't figure any of it out. None of it. I have no idea how this human thing operates. I know misery was placed in my heart from day one and then compounded with daily abuses till the misery was claimed. Now I shy away from any relationship that has to do with human beings and their shticks - I can only bless from afar. It is judgment to be this way - what can be done to undo judgment? Absolutely nothing except do the best I can do and know that all actions, thoughts and words are reciprocated in measure and that measure adds to another measure and with e...

FromWikipedia - What Cruelty Is: Cruelty can be described as indifference to suffering, and even positive pleasure in inflicting it. Sadism can also be related to this form of action or concept. Cruel ways of inflicting suffering may involve violence, but violence is not necessary for an act to be cruel. For example, if another person is drowning and begging for help, and another person is able to help, but merely watches with disinterest or perhaps mischievous amusement, that person is being cruel — rather than violent. Cruelty usually carries connotations of supremacy over a submissive or weaker force. Gevurah - Strength Planet: Madim (Mars) Briatic Colour: red Number: 5 Magical Image: a mighty warrior Briatic Correspondence: power Spiritual Experience: Vision of Power Titles: Pachad, fear; Din, justice. God Name: Elohim Gevor Archangel: Kamael Angel Order: Seraphim Keywords: power, justice, retribution (eaten cold), the Law (in execution), cruelty, oppression, domination ...

Had to venture out No food - no thing for any one at all. I walk with a stroller because if I faint I can always crash into it first and not onto pavement Wheels serve double duty as grocery cart while holding me up getting to the bus stop - would video it but the camera is too heavy It's a long walk onto the highway the middle of no where crossing over to the other side and then waiting waiting waiting for the bus and it comes in due time B"H Coolness envelopes Then the long bus ride into the desert my eyes focused on open spaces and gleaning the energy I will need when I dis embark into the heat Eyes averted down down The stroller opened I lean and breathe and hope I can make it - dizzy now been feeling low since yesterday stomach et al Shopping for food is hellish trying to maneuver away from crowds, into faster lanes and get out out out as soon as possible without fainting Heart starts beating so fast I can't catch my breath sweat is pouring from my brow - I reach for ...

It was my job to seek out the turquoise stones deep within the heart of the desert. I'd often liken myself and my treks to that of the mountain goats, the ibex who could stand on one foot precariously on narrow cliffs, edges and mountain ledges. I was the swift footed one, assured and loyal, trusty to return with the bounty that would ensure my family survival and a little bit more, in times that were harsh, fierce and sometimes outright dangerous. For there were factions, tribal adversaries that were also miners for the precious stones. There were no claims to any of the caves or caverns or even to the land surrounding them. Anyone who came could take. This was the unspoken rule. But still there were jealousies and rivalries among the *pickers* and getting to and from intact was a skill that required swiftness, intelligence and the ability to become invisible, riding low, keeping small and inconspicuous. It helped to have company on these treks - my guide, friend and ally - my ble...

Tehillim - Psalms - Chapter 126 A song of ascents. When the Lord returns the returnees to Zion, we shall be like dreamers. Then our mouths will be filled with laughter and our tongues with songs of praise; then they will say among the nations, "The Lord has done great things with these." "The Lord has done great things with us; we were happy." Return, O Lord, our captivity like rivulets in arid land. Those who sow with tears will reap with song. He will go along weeping, carrying the valuable seeds; he will come back with song, carrying his sheaves.