Passover Diary - 2009 - Can't Breathe

This has been the worst holiday - I tried to make it good. I spent money on food, dishes, shlepped, I've spent it in isolation, depression and sheer misery. Tonight my cat has swallowed a fish bone and I am beside myself. In the desert without a vet. I called one - only tomorrow morning. I can't even walk, it's so hot - I'm sick of being in pain, seeing my cats in pain, being under curses and evil eyes that not a day goes by without it being something else to deal with. And my beloved cat is in pain and this kills me. It's probably a salmon bone - I tried praying - I can't even pray. Everything is a hardship. The words like sand. My movements like moving against the wind.

I should be happy. It's a time for joyousness. And I can't. I can't rise above it. I've been drinking very heavily this whole week. Downing tranquilizers. In between trying to be happy. Joyous. Now this. My load is too heavy to bear. I can't just can't. I try to be optimistic. Throughout it all. I have no more energy for any of this. Amalek? Emuna? I am simply a drowning person and it's all happening in slo mo. For some reason - karmic, eye for an eye - for eating once on Yom Kippur. For my attitude. For my learning. For everything. I write people - they don't answer. I try to connect - I get disconnected. Then I disconnect from the world and pray for sustenance. For the ability to rise above it all. For the strength. Tenacity. Ability. And I see negativity everywhere. I look - I see darkness all around me. I am in this deep deep chasm and I have no breath left. I will take my cat to the vet because I love her. But this is only tomorrow. I can't see myself sleeping. Or breathing out. I need to rise above this. I need to rise above this.

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