Right Side, Broken Electronics
All plagues are coming through on right side. Broke right foot, right side of back of head smashed, now I have a gum infection on the right side of my mouth. I have some kind of knotted vein that burns/hurts like crazy right under my right knee for 2 years now. What is up kaballistically - energetically? I do not know. I am in pain - all the time. Another affliction from this house.
I started to pack today.
On friday I was able to score an Easy Cap device that would allow me finally to work on the hours of video I took in NY and here. Stuff that I worked damn hard on. Interviews with healers, stuff from my moves, people - things, places. And the Easy Cap worked fine - and now it's my Sony Analog Handy Cam that's just dying. It's always something. I can't get a break. It works then it stops, then something starts flashing inside - an icon and I haven't the slightest idea wtf it is. Consulted the Sony Handycam manual that I brought with me - it just says - it's something mechanical. Well, yes. I knew that. Can they be more obtuse? Now what?
I did manage to see a few hours of the stuff I did. Cringe worthy interviews, on and on and on - droning and interjecting my *brilliance* into the interview cutting the person off. Ugh. It was so hard to watch - mostly just listened. I did hours of interviews with all types of people who delved into the spiritual world - one person worked with plant energies, another kabbalah, another yoga, another a survivor - an Adult Child of Alcoholics, another a hippy turned sage, another one was a Pathwork person, yet another dealt with pre-natal psychology and on and on. This was supposed to be for Joyous Living my TV show which never came to be - instead it turned out that I came to Israel - camera and tapes and life just took over. I would tape from time to time and some of the stuff from Israel I got to see today. Wow. That's all I have to say. And I saw a glimpse of me during my Upstate NY days - and wow too. My God. I've changed. Literally have fallen APART since coming here. I've aged at least 20 years. My face has changed.
I saw footage from Bat Ayin and Alon Shvut. How creative I am - and I say that not in a boasting way -but - listen - I took garbage and turned it into piece of art. I can't even bloody upload it now because of the camera dying. I saw footage of my old house in Upstate and the green and my cats how healthy and beautiful everything was. We were so much better off there. Is that Lashon Hara to say this? Since coming here I've been a basket case without anywhere to put my head in peace. Abuse ensues daily. My creativity is zilch. My cats are suffering. I'm suffering. And there is no end.
I need new equipment. I need someone to send me another camera from the states. First it was my mic. Then fixed that - and it came back from repair with squeaks that were never there before. Now the camera doesn't work. I should be grateful that I can still breathe.
Throughout what comes in clear is my obsessive need to survive. And in the midst of shit raining down hard on my head - backs breaking, people spitting in my face, hunger setting in, no fridge, no money, no friends, no family - there is this current of Survival that shines through.
So maybe if someone ever hands out the Nobel Peace Prize for sheer guts - it'll go to someone like me who wherever you put me and in whatever condition I'll be there paintbrush in hand and a mop and a rag to scrub it all spotless.
No
More
Pain.
I get it.
I've learned.
Enough.
I started to pack today.
On friday I was able to score an Easy Cap device that would allow me finally to work on the hours of video I took in NY and here. Stuff that I worked damn hard on. Interviews with healers, stuff from my moves, people - things, places. And the Easy Cap worked fine - and now it's my Sony Analog Handy Cam that's just dying. It's always something. I can't get a break. It works then it stops, then something starts flashing inside - an icon and I haven't the slightest idea wtf it is. Consulted the Sony Handycam manual that I brought with me - it just says - it's something mechanical. Well, yes. I knew that. Can they be more obtuse? Now what?
I did manage to see a few hours of the stuff I did. Cringe worthy interviews, on and on and on - droning and interjecting my *brilliance* into the interview cutting the person off. Ugh. It was so hard to watch - mostly just listened. I did hours of interviews with all types of people who delved into the spiritual world - one person worked with plant energies, another kabbalah, another yoga, another a survivor - an Adult Child of Alcoholics, another a hippy turned sage, another one was a Pathwork person, yet another dealt with pre-natal psychology and on and on. This was supposed to be for Joyous Living my TV show which never came to be - instead it turned out that I came to Israel - camera and tapes and life just took over. I would tape from time to time and some of the stuff from Israel I got to see today. Wow. That's all I have to say. And I saw a glimpse of me during my Upstate NY days - and wow too. My God. I've changed. Literally have fallen APART since coming here. I've aged at least 20 years. My face has changed.
I saw footage from Bat Ayin and Alon Shvut. How creative I am - and I say that not in a boasting way -but - listen - I took garbage and turned it into piece of art. I can't even bloody upload it now because of the camera dying. I saw footage of my old house in Upstate and the green and my cats how healthy and beautiful everything was. We were so much better off there. Is that Lashon Hara to say this? Since coming here I've been a basket case without anywhere to put my head in peace. Abuse ensues daily. My creativity is zilch. My cats are suffering. I'm suffering. And there is no end.
I need new equipment. I need someone to send me another camera from the states. First it was my mic. Then fixed that - and it came back from repair with squeaks that were never there before. Now the camera doesn't work. I should be grateful that I can still breathe.
Throughout what comes in clear is my obsessive need to survive. And in the midst of shit raining down hard on my head - backs breaking, people spitting in my face, hunger setting in, no fridge, no money, no friends, no family - there is this current of Survival that shines through.
So maybe if someone ever hands out the Nobel Peace Prize for sheer guts - it'll go to someone like me who wherever you put me and in whatever condition I'll be there paintbrush in hand and a mop and a rag to scrub it all spotless.
No
More
Pain.
I get it.
I've learned.
Enough.
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