The Path to a Healing Heart

Fear not to go down to Egypt; for there I will make of you a great nation. I will go down with you into Egypt, and I will also surely bring you up again. Genesis 46:3-4

A lot went through me, through my psyche, aura and body in sharp blasts as a child. The formative years shaped me, made me, what was once whole, complete - bombed - shattered, tattered, torn and ripped open. PTSD - Pulmonary trauma suddenly descending. It's the ear-heart connection. And it's the opposite of understanding. It's beyond comprehension. You fill up with the energy and then you just bust wide open. Call it implosion. Ensue here hyper sensitivity and sensory displacement, where sounds become matter and through the reverberations of hyper vigilance you can see red while hearing the trees whisper. The sensory filters are shot wide open and all enters without guards. They go past the ripped places straight to the heart where it bounces off the original trauma setting in motion the good ol' hormonal influx of cortisole and adrenaline - i.e rapid heart beat, increased anxiety levels. Running - first impulse. Get away. Run for your life. I've been battered b...

Discard, ignore, belittle, discount. Keep her locked behind doors. Shove a bottle and toy in her hand. Keep her in the dark and confined. Where she can't tell what's up What's down, who's around or feel the touch except to be changed. Kick the door slam closed eyes, play Bach or minouet Clown pictures, roaming cats Smells of sour milk and sounds of crying screaming slamming Ears precious don't bleed hide Keep covered anxiety levels cry more can't sleep, facing walls, detached and cooing at the warm mama cat called love. Everything I had given away taken away, ran away, went away. All I had disappeared, never appeared Never manifested, only a dream. Here for the ride to be yanked by the hair, bruise in the eyes flesh forked open with prongs into caverns of pus and eye filled with styes, and men who wanted a piece of the puzzle and teachers who kicked, screamed and punished and a society that is spinning out of control and my running away from all that tried to pi...

Someone put my mother in hell and it wasn't me. Way before I was a thought in consciousness Way before the wars and bombs fell Way before erosion of her heart began She was pulled under. It was as if pins and hooks stretched her It was as if knives and needles scored her It was as if water was pushed down her throat and her breath couldn't be caught for eons. Her brain split and her body caved Her tears ran red and her sweat bullets Her words of comfort were exchanged at the gates of freewill for soul woundings. The fog that followed her caused blindness The chaos that ensued caused havoc The pain she inflicted caused destruction Her touch lethal, her eyes evil, slitted in agony. The doctor she married, the doctors she courted the doctors that evaded, measured, prodded and chided The doctors that twinkled their eyes and those that slurred under their breath unspeakable words of contempt and hatred. The doctors in robes in clinics, the ones with ties The professors, the speciali...

Had to remind myself of the variations of re-fridger-ators I've had and used in these last years to guage my progress spiritual and otherwise - because of the adage as below as above and if your fridge is on the blitz your emotional regulators are too. It's proven down to an exact science. Arriving here touched down to Judean hills, rented room there was a small one. Enough to put a pot and a bag of vegetables and call it a day. Time to downsize. Moved then to the half a caravan. Had no fridge for the duration of 4-5 months, in the high heat of the hills without a way to keep the food cool, spoilage ensued and a daily run to replenish my perishables. Then moved to Hebron into the 4th floor apartment with a rusty old Amcor that gave me a shock to my core every time it was touched. I painted it green and used a towel to open it and save myself the dread. Then to Tzfat where there was no kitchen, only 2 cupboards and a board between, a sink snuck in a large Whirlpool wheeled in - ...

Fish, fish I shout into the headless phone my groaning mother being tormented by one South Asian caretaker who cooks sometimes and snaps too often Fish, fish eat a banana, take your pill don't be fearful, afraid, anxious, relax try and down a vitamin C, the story of my caretaking invisible life rerun My mother frail, one hundred miles away, hours by bus and a million sentiments from my heart, I am the last remnant of her children Through broken phones and groans she is suffering in hell and putting all those who will listen mostly doctors in to the pit with her to witness her anguish I born to this, the lamb the goat and the beast of burden, suffering her lost childhood her dismissive father and her rage I absorbed 50 years served, on a bed of sickness and bile And on and on 50 years. I hear it and nod, it's easy enough to stop the noise with a click and breath and let the pain fade into the pool of what ifs.

Was a prophet

If I die. No one will mourn. I think only my angels would miss me. My imprint on this world being such a clumsy one. This is never a good place for me to be. Being totally overwhelmed by life and what I need to deal with. I'm just over my head and am losing control over everything. I can't make it. I don't know where else to turn at this point. For the sake of my cats I'm just hanging on barely. I need someone to talk to. I can't do this anymore. I don't even know what to do next. My life force is slipping away. It's ok - this world and me. Never really did get along. It will be a relief. To leave.

You know - many probably do - reading my saga and journeys with my cats. My stolen sherpa carrier, the end resulting in not being able to get to the vet as easily as I could, my finances, living in a war zone and the constant barrage of assaults to my own system with PTSD from a younger age and with this, Dealing. Dealing with life as it comes, on its own terms, me - I'm just a survivor and a part-time writer. And in this today, I am *dealing* with Jessie and his parasite-ridden blood cells and why won't those bugs just leave him the f alone?! Anti-biotics were created for the lesser strength bacteria, they can't fight off the inner leechers. I see my proud boy, grey haired and green eyes, with the power to climb mountains and pines and catch the wind when he wasn't honing in big-pawed on a stray rodent. Only to present it to me, gifting the shredded souled one with something once alive - now struggling. And dealing with that too in a fatalistic yet numbing way. Thank y...

After the acrid and the burning After the cesspools and the dead bodies decaying After the garbage uncollected and the putrid stenches all round Got me some Melissa and Routa. Yeah. Been crushing that up between weak fingers to stir some energy up into the spine of my yet to be healed cat suffering so. I go with him and him with me. He takes me to the pain land I take him back to the Land of the Living with Melissa and Routa my new sisters in healing. Amythest stone from Greenwich Village, the Book of Raziel the amulet of Rabbi Leon Levy the prayers of Yitzhak the mercy of Hashem surround this feline with a Nefesh Shokeika. I put him in my heart. 4 felines in 4 chambers When I made Aliyah to this Land With me, you will come and with me you will ascend if you are in Agreement. They said in union - yes. So, my duty is to uplift these souls demoted into felines back to their original forms, in spite of whatever transgressions they committed, I will uplift them as they have uplifted me, on...

Enough of all this. Just enough. Call it. Call it. Call it. End. The End. The final kick. Time to separate the forces. Time to divorce. South and North - separate. East and West - separate. Left and Right - separate. Judea and Jerusalem - separate. Day and night - separate. Water and oil - separate. Blood and fire - separate. Let the distance now come. Part the waters. We're coming through.

Smoke infuses the house, fresh washed hair, eyes burning, the acrid smell has now permeated the house, the outside orange street lamps are clouded, as another criminal farmer decides to use the night as his cover like the thief, Lilith and vampires. Oh God, I cannot breathe. Oh mama I am dying. Shma Yisrael Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Echad. Biological and chemical weaponry is being used against flesh my lungs, I ask only forgiveness for subjecting you to living here And ask the God of Retribution to act quickly and swiftly to even the scores with the evil doers. Now. Now. Now. My eyes. So harsh for these soft ones. All creatures here innocent - I pray that the plague that descended be stopped. Negeif Ti-Atzer.

Is coming fast like a hurricane, earthquake, tsunami. The rivers will overflow The soil broken Rocks and hail and fury Unleashed The earth itself will cry out for mercy and this will be the evening the day the Judgment on all.