Shabbat Dying
I should have heeded a premonition I had yesterday morning - Friday. Just lost my level of consciousness, probably had an out of body experience - or lost my mind. Crumbled and crashed emotionally. Throughout the day, went through the motions of cleaning, cooking and trying not to think about dread, doom and put on a happy face, dammit.
Somehow made it to candlighting, somehow made it to eating a very bare and cold meal. My cat, Jesse who was sick for 4 months now didn't come back home at nightfall and I felt I should be sitting shiva. Then I thought maybe Shabbat waives the laws of mourning. But I felt comfortable sitting on the floor anyway - on a cushion. Vascillating between feeling terrible and feeling some kind of relief that his suffering was finally over. I grabbed some holy books. Started praying for the ill. Felt some comfort there. Got up went out, called him, came back in. Back and forth at least 7 times. On the 8th I went to the backyard and there I saw what I can only call *The Aftermath* of what appeared to be a rampage. Someone had gone literally beserk sometime yesterday and totally destroyed the makeshift fences I had put up against wandering rabid dogs. Everything was smashed, broken, glass everywhere. I had put up something of a barricade - the whole area has no fences, at least this gave us some kind of feeling that some area wasn't being used as roaming dogs pissing grounds and worse. Smashed. Everything.
I can't begin to tell you how utterly sad and crushed I felt after this. The rock throwing was bad enough. The torture of one of my cats was bad enough. The cold-shoulders and basic haseless hatred at every corner here - is bad enough. Now this.
Fear. Cold fear. Then thoughts of karma. And what an ABSOLUTELY HORRIFICALLY DISGUSTING HUMAN BEING I must have been in previous life with this to be playing out. All of it. Since day one. And the trials and tribulations just getting worse with each year. I figured at the look of things in the moonlight that the rampage must have taken place sometime in the late afternoon. But how could I not have heard it. One of the guys on his ATV decided that I didn't merit having any kind of place in this world and has been one of the rock throwers, the one to careen around the road as I'm walking - the one to do this. I don't know him. I did nothing to him. He might be a psychopath. Might being an understatement.
All night I sat on the floor near the bathroom on a rug. Jesse, my cat did come home alive - barely. His disease has weakened him greatly. I couldn't rejoice. I felt completely numb. This morning I woke feeling dead myself. I could hardly pray. I could hardly think. All I could do is go outside and look again and see the crushed tables, chairs and planks of wood I'd stacked up for some protection against wild dogs. I feel raped and violated. I must move. Do I need to uphold the lease when I am being terrorized? This is the question.
I go tomorrow to Jerusalem. To throw myself at the mercy of Hashem at the Wall. Find direction. My punishment is too great to bear.
Somehow made it to candlighting, somehow made it to eating a very bare and cold meal. My cat, Jesse who was sick for 4 months now didn't come back home at nightfall and I felt I should be sitting shiva. Then I thought maybe Shabbat waives the laws of mourning. But I felt comfortable sitting on the floor anyway - on a cushion. Vascillating between feeling terrible and feeling some kind of relief that his suffering was finally over. I grabbed some holy books. Started praying for the ill. Felt some comfort there. Got up went out, called him, came back in. Back and forth at least 7 times. On the 8th I went to the backyard and there I saw what I can only call *The Aftermath* of what appeared to be a rampage. Someone had gone literally beserk sometime yesterday and totally destroyed the makeshift fences I had put up against wandering rabid dogs. Everything was smashed, broken, glass everywhere. I had put up something of a barricade - the whole area has no fences, at least this gave us some kind of feeling that some area wasn't being used as roaming dogs pissing grounds and worse. Smashed. Everything.
I can't begin to tell you how utterly sad and crushed I felt after this. The rock throwing was bad enough. The torture of one of my cats was bad enough. The cold-shoulders and basic haseless hatred at every corner here - is bad enough. Now this.
Fear. Cold fear. Then thoughts of karma. And what an ABSOLUTELY HORRIFICALLY DISGUSTING HUMAN BEING I must have been in previous life with this to be playing out. All of it. Since day one. And the trials and tribulations just getting worse with each year. I figured at the look of things in the moonlight that the rampage must have taken place sometime in the late afternoon. But how could I not have heard it. One of the guys on his ATV decided that I didn't merit having any kind of place in this world and has been one of the rock throwers, the one to careen around the road as I'm walking - the one to do this. I don't know him. I did nothing to him. He might be a psychopath. Might being an understatement.
All night I sat on the floor near the bathroom on a rug. Jesse, my cat did come home alive - barely. His disease has weakened him greatly. I couldn't rejoice. I felt completely numb. This morning I woke feeling dead myself. I could hardly pray. I could hardly think. All I could do is go outside and look again and see the crushed tables, chairs and planks of wood I'd stacked up for some protection against wild dogs. I feel raped and violated. I must move. Do I need to uphold the lease when I am being terrorized? This is the question.
I go tomorrow to Jerusalem. To throw myself at the mercy of Hashem at the Wall. Find direction. My punishment is too great to bear.
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